Why this book?
In the midst of injustices of racism, sexism, anti-LGBTQ+ prejudice and violence, it might seem like an odd time to write a book on marriage. But for us, marriage has never been a sealed room, neatly cutoff from the realities of the world we live in.
As we created a home and family together, we had to navigate realities of gender and race. As a Korean American woman and a Black, mixed man, we were both learning ourselves and the way legacies of race and patriarchy had shaped our world. We live in a world where our bodies matter, where we are created to enjoy and be enjoyed, and yet the fallenness and pain of this world afflict us in real, concrete ways. What does it mean to be a couple, to be for one another in this kind of world?
As we have navigated our lives and callings together we have also been gifted with walking with people in relationships of all kinds—same sex, interracial, intercultural, to name a few—who were looking for how to be whole with one another in the face of a world that so often refused their love, a part of their calling, or their very bodies. But for all of them, marriage was a holy space to live and grow and become together. What does marriage look like when we are willing to encounter the difference in the world, in each other? and in ourselves?
What we offer isn’t necessarily the wisdom of experts but simply the journey of two people who have been wandering these woods called marriage for a good bit of time. And we believe we can all begin to cultivate marriages that are spaces of mutual flourishing for the sake of one another and our communities.
Book Endorsements
"Choosing Us arrived on my desk at the right moment in my marriage of thirty years. Without minimizing how hard it is to sustain a marriage, especially when negotiating differences in race and culture, the Bantums demonstrate that marriage is difficult but worth it. They open the inner sanctum of their trials and growth as a couple struggling to fight their own demons and those inherited from family and culture, letting the light in and the wisdom born out of their faith and struggle to come through. Choosing Us speaks transparently to readers of our naive assumptions about love and lopsided gender roles that we bring into marriage. Gail and Brian bring their full selves to this book, two strong-minded people willing to listen, negotiate, forgive, and grow. Choosing Us offers readers invaluable lessons on how to use natural differences and conflicts to work toward a loving relationship that is built on the strength of one's differences, creating a healthy marriage as the first step in building a just world."
Renita J. Weems, minister, biblical scholar, and author of What Matters Most: Ten Passionate Lessons on the Song of Solomon
"Marriage books written by people who aren't therapists or marriage researchers are usually full of 'common nonsense' that has little bearing upon marital success. Choosing Us is the exception. It is the long-awaited resource for couples committed to building progressive, equitable relationships where both partners have highly demanding careers. It is not a how-to guide to replicating Gail and Brian's relationship. It is a source of wisdom for creating your own."
Chanequa Walker-Barnes, clinical psychologist and author of I Bring the Voices of My People
"Tender, true, and practical, Choosing Us is a gift. I'm so grateful to Gail and Brian for opening their stories and hearts and offering this abundance of wisdom hard-won through their many years of marriage."
Jeff Chu, co-curator, Evolving Faith; author of Does Jesus Really Love Me? A Gay Christian's Pilgrimage in Search of God in America
"How can we flourish together? What does mutual submission really entail? Why must I look inward before casting blame on my partner? When there are no models, how do we build something healthy together? While there are countless marriage books, few focus on cultivating egalitarian unions where couples grow together and individually fulfill their created purpose. Choosing Us achieves this and equips readers to love selflessly, even when it's counterintuitive and inconvenient. This book will bless your marriage and empower you to love your partner more authentically. It illuminates how couples can thrive beyond the honeymoon phase and go the distance together."
Dominique DuBois Gilliard, author of Subversive Witness: Scripture's Call to Leverage Privilege and Rethinking Incarceration: Advocating for Justice That Restores
"I'm so grateful to Gail and Brian for sharing their story with us. In these honest pages about marriage, choice, family, and self-discovery, you'll find room for your own stories. This book is a gift for those seeking to create flourishing marriages of mutuality."
Sarah Bessey, author of Jesus Feminist and editor of the New York Times bestseller A Rhythm of Prayer
"Marriage is a journey, and no matter where you and your spouse are in it, Choosing Us is an important guide. The Bantums share with tender honesty, inviting us into their past, and offer incisive questions, encouraging us in our present. They do not shy away from pointing out how gender, racial, and ethnic identity and cultural norms can shape faith and marriage, inviting all readers to consider the assumptions and expectations we bring into it. Do yourself and your marriage a favor. Read this book."
Kathy Khang, author of Raise Your Voice: Why We Stay Silent and How to Speak Up
Book Launch Tour Dates:
March 1 - Seattle, WA - Quest Church 7:15pm PDT - hybrid in-person & webinar event (*added: at 6pm, a special hybrid Soul Care Session for couples with Pastor Christine Yi Suh prior to the event)
March 17 - Virtual Webinar 4pm PDT; Register for the event here
March 31 - Raleigh, NC - SOUTHEA\ST Raleigh Table 7pm EST - in-person only event - seraleightable.org/
April 26-27 - Dallas, TX (Details forthcoming)
